Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
