Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
