I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
