Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
