??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
