I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
