I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
