i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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