I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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