My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
