I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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