dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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