is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
