everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
is it fun? or sober?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
