Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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