3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
