someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
