Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
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Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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