At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
