I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize