Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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