You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
