you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Randomize
