I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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