question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
