Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
