i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
