my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
