There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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