There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
