do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
