yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
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Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
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Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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