I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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