I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
