Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
