I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
