is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
