The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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