Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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