I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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