I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
