Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
