Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
