I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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