forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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