You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
