I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
