census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
