Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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