I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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