ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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