Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
