Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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