some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
