Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
