i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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