There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
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Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...